I haven’t been very happy lately, or even aware of life. I’ve been in a zombie state where I just make it through the days. Today I had a rare moment of aliveness. I pulled into a parking lot close to where my drawing group meets. Instead of going straight to drawing I decided to get some tea. It had just finished raining, so it was that nice cool moist air. Everything was an unbelievable green. I liked the purple hydranias hanging over the fence of a yard I passed; I leaned in to smell them and my nose came away with fresh raindrops. There were mini maple leaves that held stubbornly onto bits of rain making it look like a green ceiling with crystals. I read as I walked, which I haven’t done since college. I got to the tea house and ordered an apple mango tea even though I wanted a japanese chai tea. It was late enough in the day that caffine wasn’t a good idea. Right before I left I noticed a dessert sitting in the window and asked what it was. I was told it was Turkish Delight. For some reason, just the other day I had wondered about this exact dessert; wishing I could try it. So I bought one. It was Delicious. I was like a little kid, getting powdered sugar all over my black work uniform and not caring a bit. I just enjoyed the dessert, the atmosphere, and my book. I wanted to stay in that adorable eclectic tea shop, but I hadn’t been to drawing for a while, and I might not be able to make it for awhile after this. So I walked back, fully sated and happy. It was a nice moment in time. I wish I could capture those few minutes and put it in a box for later, when I really need a moment like that.
May 15, 2011
My marine biology class is canceled. I based my whole summer around that, and decisions about my future. I know everything happens for a reason, but I’m mad and tired and confused. Everyone’s telling me I can still go to he Bahamas. Apparently, that’s all they heard when I talked about this class. But I wanted to go and apply what I learned. I wanted a science based trip, a research trip. There’s a small chance that we’ll still have the class on a different campus, but including me there’s only four people signed up. I don’t think we’ll get enough people.
That begs the question what should I do now with my summer. I was so looking forward to it, it was going to be amazing. Now should I try and sign up for another class? Should I drop summer classes and get another part time job? I already asked, and they won’t give me 40 hours at my current job. If I don’t take classes then loans kick in again and I need a full time job to keep up with them. If I do take classes I have to make a completely new schedule. Either way, I think I’ll keep the kickboxing class I had signed up for. I think it’s going to help keep me sane this summer. Or at least force me to get in shape.
There’s really only one other science class I can take, the others are all filled already or I don’t need it. But if I take a difference science course I can’t go on the family vacation, which I feel I need to do. I have to get out of here and go sit on a beach. I need a break. Finals are finished. I got an A on my Bio final and in that class. My chemistry teacher is driving me nuts and giving me nightmares by not posting any grades yet. She better post my final grade soon, I would like some decent sleep. I feel so beat up. I didn’t realize how stressed I was. I was so happy before. Now that classes are over and my summer looks crushed I feel like I did before I went back to school. Lame, tired, unmotivated, indecisive.
I guess I went on a date with a friend, I didn’t realize it was a date until he showed up with a Gerber daisy. Points for him for knowing my favorite flower. We went to a murder mystery dinner. It was fun and the food was good. There were four main actors and then some people got parts to play. I figured out the murder, but my need for everything to tie together; I put too much thought into it. So I made it more complicated and therefore didn’t really figure it out.
I felt bad because I kept my friend at arm distance. This might sound silly but I’ve definitely got a wall up around guys. I’m not even comfortable around them like I used to be. It’s like I can’t even flirt anymore. I wish I could just tear it down. I’m sick of feeling like this. I’m no attracted to guys, I have no interest, and if they are interested I am uncomfortable. What happened to me that I’m like this now. It’s pathetic. How am I supposed to find anyone like this. How do I get past this and trust again.
I know why I’m like this, why I don’t trust, why I keep everyone away. I wonder if they ever think of me. The men in my past. I wonder if the one who made me like this ever thinks of me. Ever regrets it. He still haunts my dreams. Frequently. How do I get it to stop? It’s tiring and saddens me. I stay awake sometimes imagining different times, what it was like, what would happen if/when we meet again. He takes up much to much of my time. But I can’t seem to banish him.
Sorry if this blog is mopey, it’s how I feel. Lonely, sad, and down. I did warn you with the title.
I need to figure out what I’m going to do with my summer. If it totally fails I think I’ll go on a cruise even though I don’t really have anyone to go with. I’ve never been on one. I was looking at one that goes to Belize or one along the Pacific Northwest. They’re not to expensive. Since I’m not going to the Bahamas anymore I actually have some money.
I got the new Mumford and Sons cd, I’ve been listening to it for days now. I also read ‘The Book Thief’. It’s about a girl in Germany during WWII. Learning to read, hiding a Jew, and other things. I just finished it today. Very sad ending, but I shouldn’t have been surprised. Sometimes I get so caught up in my books that I can’t help by cry or laugh or be concerned. I guess I like to hide there when I don’t know what to do with my own life. Is that cowardace? Am I wasting my life sleeping and reading and sleeping? I feel like I am. It makes me even sadder. I am lonely, but I don’t want to be around anyone. I’ll just disappoint them. I’m disappointing myself. I’m depressed. I realize this. I’m down and beaten and tired. Now I just need to stand back up and do something different. Because this isn’t working.
Not tonight though.
Maybe tomorrow.
Summary of the Month – April 2010 May 3, 2011
Unfortunately, this picture is kind of how I was early this week. Spikey, snarky, prickly. It’s wasn’t the best week for my mood. It was because of stress.
Summary!
I can’t believe this month is over already!
Days Total-30
Days I worked on Art – Just a few times. I really like my drawing class.
Things I accomplished/Things worth mentioning: I started walking the fitness trail by my house. I am pathetically out of shape. Went to my friend’s bridal shower. Dan was in town from Iraq. I spent a lot of time with him and some other friends. I wish we spent time like that more often. We played cards, had a cookout, went bowling. It was a great week with friends. I went to the Indian’s game with Dan and my dad and his dad. I got my first Indian’s game ball, we had great seats, it was Sizemore’s first game back and he hit a homerun, and I got an Indian’s shirt. I’ve been trying to register for my marine biology class, but it won’t let me in for some reason. I’m not worried, the teacher guaranteed me a spot. I went to a little black dress salsa party. It was right on the lake and everyone was dressed up. LOVED IT. So much fun. Easter came and went. For some reason I was very disconnected on Easter, I think that’s when the stress started to hit me. Finals are soon. 4 tests in 10 days, no fun. I went rock climbing for the first time in over two years I think. I thought I would do horrible, but it’s amazing what your body remembers. I did alright for such a long break. I was so excited to get back into it I went right out and got a carabiner and a ATC bug. I also splurged on myself. I got $300 worth of cloths for only $100. WOOT! I’m on a mission for some summer dresses still, and maybe another skirt or two. And some shirts to go with said skirts. 🙂 We’ll see…It was a good month.
Things I would like to accomplish for next month: Keep walking the fitness trail. I would like to be able to do a pull-up by the end of the month. Sadly, I can’t even do one. Schedule for the GRE test and start studying. Start looking into Master’s programs again. Rock Finals. Pick up some extra hours at work.
Laugh, Live, and Love 
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