Just a quick little blurb….. December 30, 2010

I need to get these thoughts out of my head because they are obviously bothering me. I don’t need these weighing me down, I have other things to think about.

 

1. I feel like my sisters don’t respect me.

I know we are different and we’re never going to be really close, but I feel like they don’t respect me and that’s a whole nother issue. I feel like I annoy them and if they didn’t have to, they wouldn’t spend time with me. They make comments like ‘don’t you know anything’ and ‘i’m kind of booked for the rest of the time I’m here’ (in reference to hanging out). It hurts. I don’t like it.

 

2. Why am I so easily erasable?

This is the one that’s bothering me the most. I don’t understand why I’m so easy to just drop. To complete eliminate me from their lives. I’m mostly talking about Ken. He’s been brought up a lot in convo, I can’t seem to get away from him. I’m also talking about Mike who apparently does not want to stay in contact at all. He never called me back from three weeks ago. He did call me on Christmas and two days later…but it was one of those, I don’t know I’m calling and I’ll leave a voice message with background noise. When I messaged him on Christmas to see if he meant to call me, he said no, it was a mistake. That hurt. I erased his number. I don’t need to try and keep a friendship going when there obviously isn’t anything. But, I just don’t understand how people can just erase me. This is what I’ve been dreaming about mostly. Things like mike and ken are hanging out with my family having fun but I’m not allowed in the group, they all do things without me, and they won’t talk to me. It’s maddening.

It shouldn’t bother me. It’s stupid. I know this. I have important people to me who care about me. meh….not much more to say about that, i just hurt.emotional hurt sucks. At least if it’s physical i can just take a pill or something.

 

3. No job, but bills continue to come in.

Very stressful, enough said.

 

4. Am I really doing the right thing by going back to school.

Am I really going to like biology? Am I just going into that field because it makes sense? What if I’m never meant to be more then an office worker somewhere? What if I’m okay with that? What if I’m just detouring again? What if I never find something I enjoy doing?

 

I’m feeling very antisocial and stressed right now. It’s weighing on me, I can tell because I don’t feel good. I don’t think I’m doing anything for new years. That kind of sucks too.

Ramblings November 28, 2010

I kind of feel like the world is a little kid and while I’m walking he trips me and I fall flat on my face. Then he says, “Oh, I’m so sorry I tripped you. Here, let me help you back up.”

Usually my life is a bunch of ups or a bunch of downs all at the same time, but lately it’s been up, down, up, down, up, down. I’m not complaining. It’s actually kind of a nice balance. I’m just not really sure what’s going on right now.

Lots of things going through my mind right now. I gave my official letter of resignation and I am relieved and excited to leave this job. I do enjoy the job, but I hate the hours. I have 10 more days of work. No, I have no found another job yet, but I will.

I’m doing more graduate school research. Still overwhelming. I think I need to limit my school choices down by: major, fellowship/assistantship opportunities, location. It’s not as easy as it sounds. I also want to take into account study abroad opportunities. I watched the movie ‘Eat, Pray,Love’ today and it made me want to go live in another country for awhile. Like Italy, Spain, or Australia. I found a few study abroad internships that would be amazing, but of course they are so expensive. I’m definitely going to read the book though. I think my favorite line was “I don’t need to love you in order for me to love myself.” I understand that statement. It makes a lot of sense to me. I used to find my worth in what guys thought of me, but now I’m busy trying to find my own worth. To just love me whether anyone else does or not.

Speaking of love my ex showed up at my house. I’m pretty sure I wasn’t supposed to know he came to visit my family because I caught him leaving as I got home from work. I really don’t miss him, and I’m glad he’s gone. But I was PISSED when I found him at my house. I was mad he was there, I was mad my family wanted to see him, I was mad that he didn’t care about me at all. I honestly wish I would never see him again, but my family continues to stay in contact with him. It hurts. I think that’s a wound that’s never really going to heal.

I’m actually kind of afraid that I can’t feel anymore. I haven’t really loved anyone since my heart got broken. I had a great guy as a boyfriend, and I really cared about him this past year, but I never did love him. And recently I’ve had a few guys ask me out (we’ll go into that more later), but I’m not really attracted to them, or want to date right now. I’m terrified that when I cut my ex out I built a wall that is going to be very difficult to tear down. If it can be torn down. I’m sure I’ll love again…but what in the world is wrong with me?

I got asked out three times this month. One guy asked me out, and I didn’t want to go on a date and I wasn’t attracted so I responded “I just broke up and don’t want to date right now.” Which is mostly true. He asked if he could take me out later, and I said I don’t know. Because for whatever reason I didn’t have the guts to just say, ‘thank you for the offer, but no.’ My next date offer came when I went to the bar by myself (I had time between errands and dancing and I wanted a Sam Adams Hardcore Cider – pretty good). So, since I was by myself and I didn’t want food, just a drink, I brought my book in with me and read. Well, I read for about half an hour and closed my book and he started talking to me. A had been sitting next to me, for I don’t know how long, but waited til I was done reading before talking to me (point for him). I ended up being half an hour late for dancing. He’s very nice, although he is a foot taller then me. We’ve already been on a date and will probably go out on another one. Then a week later at dancing I got asked out by another guy. We went out last night and talked for four hours. I was off my game, but we both still had a good time I think.

In good news, I got a few new shirts and dressed and I’m looking good. I think it’s because I am more confident. Dancing has done a lot of that. Curling my hair helps too. It’s fun, I like all the different looks I can get. And I look forward to dancing. Even if I’m not the best, you can’t not feel sexy when dancing. It really does help with the confidence. I got to see a lot of people from my highschool and a lot of them had gained weight….I looked great. If anything, I’ve lost weight. It surprised me how many people were just okay with what they were doing and how much weight they had gained. I felt pretty proud.

I got to see a ton of my friends this Thanksgiving. It went by so quickly, but it was wonderful. We had an all cousin’s dinner which was a lot of fun. We planned getting together once in awhile for dinners since we all live close together. I really hope that works out. Then my friends came over and we played card games until late in the night when I kicked everyone out because I had to work the next day. The day after everyone went to the bar (ironically my high school had a reunion the same night from two grades above me), and we drank and laughed and had a great time. I love my friends. I’m so lucky, I really am. They are such wonderful amazing people. And most of them know what’s up, they like their jobs, they’re happy with who they are. They really are an inspiration.

Anyway, I’m going to go. I really will post pics of my room, because it IS CLEAN!!!! And I got a new betta. His name is PineApple.

 

 

BTW, the bunnies say hi!

Thoughts September 16, 2010

Gizmo went to his new home today. He’s going to need a lot of attention and care, that one. I really hope his new family understands and respects that. He’ll make an excellent pet if they take care of him right. I love that lil guy. I’m very sad to see him go, but happy that he found a good home.

Lots of things going on in my head. I didn’t realize how stressed I was until someone pointed it out. I’m better at not making decisions because I am so very afraid that it will be the wrong one. I realized today that if I don’t make a decision then I’ll never move forward. I don’t know why I am so afraid of ‘wrong’ decisions. I really need to stop stalling though and do something.

Ash requested a new ‘reading is sexy sticker’ so I made this:

As far as my biology classes that I’m going to take goes, I thought I had decided on four, but now that I read all the descriptions here’s a few more then four:

1.)  Environment, Ecology, and Evolution – Designed for non-science majors. Questions about the natural world are explored through an introduction to the principles of evolution and ecology, including how populations change over time and how organisms interact with each other and the environment. Topics include scientific inquiry; nature of science; evolutionary processes; diversity of life; population, community, and ecosystem ecology; human impacts on the environment; environmental stewardship; and regional environmental concerns. *I know it’s for non-science majors…so I might not take it, but it sounds fun.

2.) Introduction to Biological Chemistry – Basic principles of inorganic chemistry, organic chemistry and biochemistry necessary for study of human physiology. Physiological applications of the chemical processes of cellular transport, communication and metabolism emphasized. Laboratory includes use of metric system, basic chemistry techniques and physiological applications. *A must take. I’ve never done organic chem.

3.) Horticultural Botany – Plant terminology, taxonomy, histology, anatomy, morphology, and physiology examined. Emphasis on horticultural practices, plant growth principles, and cultural requirements for plant growth. *This would help me decide if I wanted to major in Botany.

4.) Principles of Biology I – Designed for science majors. Considers molecular and cellular basis of life, energy transformation and metabolism, cellular reproduction, genetics, evolution and the origin of life, and introduction to biological organization. *A must take. I think this will help me get a real grip on Bio and if I want to do it.

5.) Principles of Biology II – Designed for science majors. Surveys biological diversity, examines plant and animal structure, function, and development, considers population, community, and ecosystem levels of organization and animal behavior. *Follow up to the I part of the course.

6.)  Field Botany – Study of the plant kingdom, emphasis on collection, identification, classification and ecology of local flora. Field trips required. *Um, Fun. Probably can’t do it though.

7.) Tropical Biology – Introduction to biology of the tropics. Topics include major tropical biomes, biodiversity, conservation, sustainability, and consequences of human impact on the tropics. Studies include identification of flora and fauna and adaptations of tropical organisms. In addition to on-campus lecture/lab during an academic term, students are required to participate and travel to a tropical location for a real-world learning experience. Field trip requires additional costs. *HELLS YEAH! I don’t know, it would be awesome. We’ll see.

8.) Field Zoology – Study of the animal kingdom, emphasis on location, identification, classification and ecology of local fauna. Field trips required. *Would probably take this one before the Horticulture one, really not sure.

9.) Microbiology – Survey of microorganisms in terms of physiology, biochemistry, genetics, and diversity with emphasis placed on prokaryotes and eukaryotes causing human diseases. Methods of their control including physical, mechanical, chemical, chemotherapeutic, and role of the immune system discussed. *Very possible

So I don’t know, we’ll see. What do you think?

I actually just tried to get into my student part of the website and it says my student number does not exist. *heart attack* Okay….deep breath……I guess I’ll be calling the school tomorrow and asking ‘WTF?!’

Btw, random note: this is my new wallpaper.

I typed in ‘vintage drawings’ in google and this came up. I liked it cause it seems kind of biology-like to me.

Soooo, two things. One: I can’t seem to decide on a major for grad school. Here were my choices starting two days ago: Biology Science – General, Aquaculture, Environmental Science, Developmental Biology, Environmental Biology, Zoology, Oceanography, Biopsychology, Plant Science, Botany, Animal Behavior, Marine Science, Plant Molecular Biology, Evolutionary Biology, Plant Biology, Biological Anthropology.

I have tried to research them (only got through about four) and I’ve now ruled out: Aquaculture, Environmental Science, Developmental Biology, Biopsychology. I might however have added Bioethics.

Soooo very difficult. I almost feel like going the general route would be smart, but…a cop out. I don’t know. I definitely need to get my head on straight and stop lying to myself. It might sound cool, but would I really enjoy the jobs I’m looking at? Would it make me happy? Would I be interested in the work? Are the hours/climates/work space what I’m looking for. I think I need to go more basic and find out what kind of job I’d like before I can find out what major I need to get that job. *sigh*

And last but not least, a thought that pops up into my head today. I have the opportunity to go out west, like I always said I would (I’m a big talker, I know). However, I would be far from my family and friends. I would not like this, but! I would be able to visit all the places I’ve wanted to visit my whole life.

So…two years far far away for traveling/schooling dreams? OR stay closer, within a days drive of home? This is a major decision for me. One that could simply be changed by what job/major I decide on. However, if the opportunity is there, what am I going to choose? I would like to think that I can go out west and live by myself, being all strong and smart. I’m worried though that I’ll fall into a slump, that I can’t do it.

I’m not asking you girls what you would do, because I completely expect everyone of you to say, ‘go for it!’. I just don’t know if I can. If I’m a strong enough person. I really wish I was, but what if I put all my eggs in a basket only to find out I’m not.

So yeah……that’s just a very small portion of what stressing me out right now. Enough, I know. Anyway, off to bed. Work tomorrow, and it promises to be a long day. Thanks for listening. Comments welcome.

I bet Gizzy is playing ambush right now.  🙂 I tried to warn them that that is his favorite game.

Life Update and Book Recommendation August 20, 2010

Thanks Ash for such a wonderful recommendation. This book was awesome!! If you have not, you definitely need to read it.

Other then that…lots has kind of happened.  My boyfriend has moved to Boston, MA. I guess we decided that we aren’t official anymore. It was a hard decision, but I think the more mature one. He didn’t plan to move back, and unless I move there there really isn’t any point in staying together. I really don’t know if I’d ever move there. And I didn’t want to string him..us along. Boston was never a place I saw myself moving to.  We are going to keep in touch, and I hope to go visit him sooner or later.  We’ll decide what to do as time goes on and see what happens.

I’m not going to lie. All I want to do right now is just lie down and sleep. I’m sad.

At the same time, him moving has really got me thinking about what I want to do. So I’m looking very closely into going to Grad school. Right now I think I’m going to go into Biology on the ecology level. That being said now I have to decide what schools to apply for. I’m going apply to the local community college because I need to take a few more biology courses to apply to grad school. I only took one for my undergrad. Plus that will help me decide if I’m really heading in the right direction or not. I like biology because it still has to do with animals, but nature in general too including plants and ecosystems. It’s general enough that I can do pretty much anything with it, and hopefully my time in grad school will help me decide what I want to do.

Random Note: Secondhand Lions. Great movie.

I have more to talk about, but those are the main things right now. I’m a little overwhelmed and downtrodden right now. Now that I have an idea of what I want to do, I have to research, plan, and actually go through with it.

I’m going to draw now, before I go to bed, because I haven’t done that in ages.

Daily Picture – 12 July 9, 2010

7-9-10

Bunny Honey

This is my bunny Nala enjoying some food, although she stopped eating because she was curious about the camera.

I like this picture because if you look at the deer’s face it looks like she’s saying ‘OH!!’, like she’s surprised.  In fact I can’t look at this picture now without it looking like she has her ‘mouth’ open in surprise.

Just fyi, yesterday was definitely one of the worst days in the history of the world ever. But! I got through it. I moped and pouted and slept. Today was better. Not good, but better. In an effort to make me feel better I’m being lame and listing good things from the last 48 hours:

A friendly cockatiel; small friendly kittens; the sound of a kitten purr; a 150lb great dane named Apollo and cleaning his teeth (it was calming, quiet, and he’s got sparkly pearly whites now); cat nap at work; fun clients; coffee; xrays turning out well; getting labwork done and organized; getting a paycheck (with bonus); a hot shower; not getting a major injury; my comfy bed; a good book; homecooked meal (japanese curry, jasmine rice, chicken, onions, and potatoes); air conditioning.

Ha…I was able to think of more bad things that happened and stress-related things then I was good things….but at least I have a nice list of good things. We’ll ignore the bad/stressful things for now and go to bed. Good Night.

Thoughts January 9, 2010

Livestrong

For the last two or three days I’ve wanted to write a blog about lots of different thoughts I’ve been having. But I sit here and can’t think of anything…maybe if I just type it’ll come to me.

New Years was pretty good, although it did not feel like New Years. I did kiss four or five people. Yes, I say people because my friend (girl) ambushed me.  Heck, I kissed a guy just because he brought me water. With a lemon! Fancy. hehe, it wasn’t making out, just fun kisses. I think this year is going to be better. I felt opportunity and possiblity and motivation……

…….for a total of about half a day. For some reason I don’t feel very motivated. I should; I had three days to clean my room, organize, work on art…and I pretty much just slept because I feel like I had the energy to even make the effort to read. Sad.

Well, I need to change that. I’ve been trying pretty much non-stop to find a second job, even going back to old jobs I said I’d never got back to.

I’m not sleeping well..haven’t been for awhile. I think I’m stressed even though I don’t think about things that bother me, consciencly. Money is a big one, I need money for Japan, I need money for meds/bunny food/essentials, to save, etc. I want to go out and have fun, but once a week is really all I can do, and I always feel bad when friends say it’s only $10 or $25. That is alot. It adds up. Stop pushing me, I’ll do what I can. I’m not avoiding anyone, it’s not that I don’t want to hang out, I financially cannot do it! Frustrating, let me tell you. I’m really trying to be financially smart. But even that is really not helping. Cause I’m not making enough.

I’m stuck in a dead-end job and it’s rough. I don’t want to be an assistant forever. There is no where for me to move forward in this job. I will be there for another year, maybe, but not much longer. I need to find out what I’m going to do after this year. Vet school for equine, Vet tech (probably not), or Masters – animal behavior.

It would be nice to move to move to the Carolinas for a year or two. It would be nice to visit out west. It would be nice ot have a goal.

I guess money’s the biggest thing. I knew I’d never make a lot of it, that’s okay. But I need to at least survive, and I can’t with this job, not on my own.

I really want to work more on art. To do more with my days. To do more things, see more people, accept more challenges. But how long will my motivation last this time? Will it last til tomorrow.

I need to buy new shoes for work and for the gym….that’s at least $100 right there. Cause I need to buy good shoes. I’m at home right now, 7pm on a Sat nigt because my feet hurt, my head hurts, hell, my whole body hurts. All I want to do is stay in my pjs, work on my art, and stop hurting.

Another reason I want a job, it will force me to be more productive with my time. Instead of wasting days, I will at least make some money.

Okay, I’m done now. I’m watching DejaVu with Denzel Washington in it. I’ve soaked my feet and mom my feed me (one good thing about living at home). On the next commercial break I’m going to go get my inspiration book and add a few more pages. Or maybe I’ll plan some of the Japan trip. I also have a travel journal, maybe I can work on that.

I have things to work for and to look forward to. Sometimes, for whatever reason, I forget, or am overwhelmed with the negative of life. Usually, I just sleep. Then the next time I wake up, I notice something positive.

Things I have been thankful for since Wed:

*my family*snow*postcards*my art magazine that comes in the mail*puppies*my very comfy bed*the fireplace*hot showers*friendship*coffee (that one was important the last few days, so it’s mentioned twice)*nice cats*helpful coworkers*time well spent*a full nights slept, without waking up*the smell of a Christmas tree*time to paint my nails, any color I want*my new makeup*possiblities*Japan trip*

I think that’s enough. Sorry for the long post….if you made it this far, I’m impressed since I didn’t really make this readable. It’s just a train of thought.

Choo-Choo!