I need to get these thoughts out of my head because they are obviously bothering me. I don’t need these weighing me down, I have other things to think about.
1. I feel like my sisters don’t respect me.
I know we are different and we’re never going to be really close, but I feel like they don’t respect me and that’s a whole nother issue. I feel like I annoy them and if they didn’t have to, they wouldn’t spend time with me. They make comments like ‘don’t you know anything’ and ‘i’m kind of booked for the rest of the time I’m here’ (in reference to hanging out). It hurts. I don’t like it.
2. Why am I so easily erasable?
This is the one that’s bothering me the most. I don’t understand why I’m so easy to just drop. To complete eliminate me from their lives. I’m mostly talking about Ken. He’s been brought up a lot in convo, I can’t seem to get away from him. I’m also talking about Mike who apparently does not want to stay in contact at all. He never called me back from three weeks ago. He did call me on Christmas and two days later…but it was one of those, I don’t know I’m calling and I’ll leave a voice message with background noise. When I messaged him on Christmas to see if he meant to call me, he said no, it was a mistake. That hurt. I erased his number. I don’t need to try and keep a friendship going when there obviously isn’t anything. But, I just don’t understand how people can just erase me. This is what I’ve been dreaming about mostly. Things like mike and ken are hanging out with my family having fun but I’m not allowed in the group, they all do things without me, and they won’t talk to me. It’s maddening.
It shouldn’t bother me. It’s stupid. I know this. I have important people to me who care about me. meh….not much more to say about that, i just hurt.emotional hurt sucks. At least if it’s physical i can just take a pill or something.
3. No job, but bills continue to come in.
Very stressful, enough said.
4. Am I really doing the right thing by going back to school.
Am I really going to like biology? Am I just going into that field because it makes sense? What if I’m never meant to be more then an office worker somewhere? What if I’m okay with that? What if I’m just detouring again? What if I never find something I enjoy doing?
I’m feeling very antisocial and stressed right now. It’s weighing on me, I can tell because I don’t feel good. I don’t think I’m doing anything for new years. That kind of sucks too.
Laugh, Live, and Love 
I don’t know why your sisters suck, but they do. It’s awful feeling like you don’t belong in your own family. But, it’s not like you got to choose them. As much as I love my family, I often feel awkward around and distant from them – like we don’t have much in common, have different perspectives on life. I think living at home probably makes this feeling much worse. Living alone was very freeing. Especially in a city where no one knew who I was. It was neat to get to think of all the different ways I could reinvent myself. I ended up deciding I mostly like who I am, but that was a nice discovery too. And still having this distance separating me from my family is good. Like I really worried about what my parents/sister would have to say about my decision to get dreadlocks (which is silly because it’s just a hairstyle), but I knew it would be negative and it bugged me that that was influencing my decision. But then I thought about the people I’d chosen to include in my life like Dan and you girls and knew that even if you thought it was a silly idea, you wouldn’t give me shit about it (well except jokingly) because you accept me and, I’m assuming since you still make an effort to be in my life, like who I am. This is really comforting. I think you should focus your energy on strengthening (or even just enjoying) your relationships with people you’ve chosen to be part of your life and let the relationships you were born into go. I mean, obviously you’re still going to be cordial and take an interest in the lives of your sisters, but if they don’t want to take the time to appreciate who you are then they’re not worth your sadness. We’d be delighted to be your sisters!
And I don’t understand at all why anyone wouldn’t want to be friends with you: you’re the sweetest person I’ve ever met besides my mother. Maybe you’re more guarded around people you don’t feel comfortable around and so act differently or change your personality? But you are one of my favorite people because I always immediately feel comfortable around you – like I don’t have to be careful of what I say or how I act in fear that you’ll reject me or become upset. It’s just so… relaxing to hang out with you. Why wouldn’t you want to have a friend that makes you feel that way? If they’re so dismissive of your friendship then I don’t think they at all realize how awesome it is.
You’re not going to feel confident about school until you start (and then probably not even for awhile). I’m still like, omg am I wasting a bunch of money/time again? But after enjoying my classes last semester despite the horrible schedule I feel SO MUCH BETTER then I did at the beginning of it. I was REALLY nervous that I’d made a huge mistake and was back at square one again with no direction in life. I’m still nervous, but for different reasons. Instead of being worried that I wouldn’t be interested in the material, now I’m worried I’m not smart enough to be able to pursue it effectively. I mean, I’m pretty sure I can coast along, but then what happens when it’s time to actually apply things? Did I really understand and internalize anything l learned last semester? Ack, always something to be unsure of. But even if you do start school and decide that biology (in any of its zillion aspects) isn’t right for you, it’s not the end of the world. There’s no timeline for life. Just because your sister is married, doesn’t mean that has to be on your agenda for anytime soon. I’m tired of people looking at me like I’m crazy for starting over “this late”. Like dude! I’m not even 25 yet! The thought of not following a set life path is really scary for some people. I’ve had a couple girls ask me, but when will you have kids if you’re still in school? Whenever the fuck I want! Live your life however it seems most appropriate and happy-making at the time and if it doesn’t measure up to what other people your age are doing, then I think that’s dandy. Ok, so I suppose this has been weighing on my mind too. I hope people are more understanding at the community college you’re going to since they should also be at all different stages in their life and will hopefully understand the need to do something you like and are interested in instead of just making money to buy things. But then again if you decide that that’s all you want to do is be financially secure, have a family at an appropriate age, and own nice things then admit it to yourself and do it! Just be happy. =)
I miss you and am sad you’re not coming down to Cinci. We should take a walk around your nature park when I pass through. If it’s not unbearable outside that is. And I’m working New Years, so if you’re bored, gimme a call. I’ll be up all night. =P
=/ I did not mean to leave you a response longer than your post. Sorry.
I’m glad you did. Thank you! You definitely made me feel better. I have a lot to think about.