Ramblings

I kind of feel like the world is a little kid and while I’m walking he trips me and I fall flat on my face. Then he says, “Oh, I’m so sorry I tripped you. Here, let me help you back up.”

Usually my life is a bunch of ups or a bunch of downs all at the same time, but lately it’s been up, down, up, down, up, down. I’m not complaining. It’s actually kind of a nice balance. I’m just not really sure what’s going on right now.

Lots of things going through my mind right now. I gave my official letter of resignation and I am relieved and excited to leave this job. I do enjoy the job, but I hate the hours. I have 10 more days of work. No, I have no found another job yet, but I will.

I’m doing more graduate school research. Still overwhelming. I think I need to limit my school choices down by: major, fellowship/assistantship opportunities, location. It’s not as easy as it sounds. I also want to take into account study abroad opportunities. I watched the movie ‘Eat, Pray,Love’ today and it made me want to go live in another country for awhile. Like Italy, Spain, or Australia. I found a few study abroad internships that would be amazing, but of course they are so expensive. I’m definitely going to read the book though. I think my favorite line was “I don’t need to love you in order for me to love myself.” I understand that statement. It makes a lot of sense to me. I used to find my worth in what guys thought of me, but now I’m busy trying to find my own worth. To just love me whether anyone else does or not.

Speaking of love my ex showed up at my house. I’m pretty sure I wasn’t supposed to know he came to visit my family because I caught him leaving as I got home from work. I really don’t miss him, and I’m glad he’s gone. But I was PISSED when I found him at my house. I was mad he was there, I was mad my family wanted to see him, I was mad that he didn’t care about me at all. I honestly wish I would never see him again, but my family continues to stay in contact with him. It hurts. I think that’s a wound that’s never really going to heal.

I’m actually kind of afraid that I can’t feel anymore. I haven’t really loved anyone since my heart got broken. I had a great guy as a boyfriend, and I really cared about him this past year, but I never did love him. And recently I’ve had a few guys ask me out (we’ll go into that more later), but I’m not really attracted to them, or want to date right now. I’m terrified that when I cut my ex out I built a wall that is going to be very difficult to tear down. If it can be torn down. I’m sure I’ll love again…but what in the world is wrong with me?

I got asked out three times this month. One guy asked me out, and I didn’t want to go on a date and I wasn’t attracted so I responded “I just broke up and don’t want to date right now.” Which is mostly true. He asked if he could take me out later, and I said I don’t know. Because for whatever reason I didn’t have the guts to just say, ‘thank you for the offer, but no.’ My next date offer came when I went to the bar by myself (I had time between errands and dancing and I wanted a Sam Adams Hardcore Cider – pretty good). So, since I was by myself and I didn’t want food, just a drink, I brought my book in with me and read. Well, I read for about half an hour and closed my book and he started talking to me. A had been sitting next to me, for I don’t know how long, but waited til I was done reading before talking to me (point for him). I ended up being half an hour late for dancing. He’s very nice, although he is a foot taller then me. We’ve already been on a date and will probably go out on another one. Then a week later at dancing I got asked out by another guy. We went out last night and talked for four hours. I was off my game, but we both still had a good time I think.

In good news, I got a few new shirts and dressed and I’m looking good. I think it’s because I am more confident. Dancing has done a lot of that. Curling my hair helps too. It’s fun, I like all the different looks I can get. And I look forward to dancing. Even if I’m not the best, you can’t not feel sexy when dancing. It really does help with the confidence. I got to see a lot of people from my highschool and a lot of them had gained weight….I looked great. If anything, I’ve lost weight. It surprised me how many people were just okay with what they were doing and how much weight they had gained. I felt pretty proud.

I got to see a ton of my friends this Thanksgiving. It went by so quickly, but it was wonderful. We had an all cousin’s dinner which was a lot of fun. We planned getting together once in awhile for dinners since we all live close together. I really hope that works out. Then my friends came over and we played card games until late in the night when I kicked everyone out because I had to work the next day. The day after everyone went to the bar (ironically my high school had a reunion the same night from two grades above me), and we drank and laughed and had a great time. I love my friends. I’m so lucky, I really am. They are such wonderful amazing people. And most of them know what’s up, they like their jobs, they’re happy with who they are. They really are an inspiration.

Anyway, I’m going to go. I really will post pics of my room, because it IS CLEAN!!!! And I got a new betta. His name is PineApple.

 

 

BTW, the bunnies say hi!