My marine biology class is canceled. I based my whole summer around that, and decisions about my future. I know everything happens for a reason, but I’m mad and tired and confused. Everyone’s telling me I can still go to he Bahamas. Apparently, that’s all they heard when I talked about this class. But I wanted to go and apply what I learned. I wanted a science based trip, a research trip. There’s a small chance that we’ll still have the class on a different campus, but including me there’s only four people signed up. I don’t think we’ll get enough people.

That begs the question what should I do now with my summer. I was so looking forward to it, it was going to be amazing. Now should I try and sign up for another class? Should I drop summer classes and get another part time job? I already asked, and they won’t give me 40 hours at my current job. If I don’t take classes then loans kick in again and I need a full time job to keep up with them. If I do take classes I have to make a completely new schedule. Either way, I think I’ll keep the kickboxing class I had signed up for. I think it’s going to help keep me sane this summer. Or at least force me to get in shape.

There’s really only one other science class I can take, the others are all filled already or I don’t need it. But if I take a difference science course I can’t go on the family vacation, which I feel I need to do. I have to get out of here and go sit on a beach. I need a break. Finals are finished. I got an A on my Bio final and in that class. My chemistry teacher is driving me nuts and giving me nightmares by not posting any grades yet. She better post my final grade soon, I would like some decent sleep. I feel so beat up. I didn’t realize how stressed I was. I was so happy before. Now that classes are over and my summer looks crushed I feel like I did before I went back to school. Lame, tired, unmotivated, indecisive.

I guess I went on a date with a friend, I didn’t realize it was a date until he showed up with a Gerber daisy. Points for him for knowing my favorite flower. We went to a murder mystery dinner. It was fun and the food was good. There were four main actors and then some people got parts to play. I figured out the murder, but my need for everything to tie together; I put too much thought into it. So I made it more complicated and therefore didn’t really figure it out.

I felt bad because I kept my friend at arm distance. This might sound silly but I’ve definitely got a wall up around guys. I’m not even comfortable around them like I used to be. It’s like I can’t even flirt anymore. I wish I could just tear it down. I’m sick of feeling like this. I’m no attracted to guys, I have no interest, and if they are interested I am uncomfortable. What happened to me that I’m like this now. It’s pathetic. How am I supposed to find anyone like this. How do I get past this and trust again.

I know why I’m like this, why I don’t trust, why I keep everyone away. I wonder if they ever think of me. The men in my past. I wonder if the one who made me like this ever thinks of me. Ever regrets it. He still haunts my dreams. Frequently. How do I get it to stop? It’s tiring and saddens me. I stay awake sometimes imagining different times, what it was like, what would happen if/when we meet again. He takes up much to much of my time. But I can’t seem to banish him.

Sorry if this blog is mopey, it’s how I feel. Lonely, sad, and down. I did warn you with the title.

I need to figure out what I’m going to do with my summer. If it totally fails I think I’ll go on a cruise even though I don’t really have anyone to go with. I’ve never been on one. I was looking at one that goes to Belize or one along the Pacific Northwest. They’re not to expensive. Since I’m not going to the Bahamas anymore I actually have some money.

I got the new Mumford and Sons cd, I’ve been listening to it for days now. I also read ‘The Book Thief’. It’s about a girl in Germany during WWII. Learning to read, hiding a Jew, and other things. I just finished it today. Very sad ending, but I shouldn’t have been surprised. Sometimes I get so caught up in my books that I can’t help by cry or laugh or be concerned. I guess I like to hide there when I don’t know what to do with my own life. Is that cowardace? Am I wasting my life sleeping and reading and sleeping? I feel like I am. It makes me even sadder. I am lonely, but I don’t want to be around anyone. I’ll just disappoint them. I’m disappointing myself. I’m depressed. I realize this. I’m down and beaten and tired. Now I just need to stand back up and do something different. Because this isn’t working.

Not tonight though.

Maybe tomorrow.