May 15, 2011

My marine biology class is canceled. I based my whole summer around that, and decisions about my future. I know everything happens for a reason, but I’m mad and tired and confused. Everyone’s telling me I can still go to he Bahamas. Apparently, that’s all they heard when I talked about this class. But I wanted to go and apply what I learned. I wanted a science based trip, a research trip. There’s a small chance that we’ll still have the class on a different campus, but including me there’s only four people signed up. I don’t think we’ll get enough people.

That begs the question what should I do now with my summer. I was so looking forward to it, it was going to be amazing. Now should I try and sign up for another class? Should I drop summer classes and get another part time job? I already asked, and they won’t give me 40 hours at my current job. If I don’t take classes then loans kick in again and I need a full time job to keep up with them. If I do take classes I have to make a completely new schedule. Either way, I think I’ll keep the kickboxing class I had signed up for. I think it’s going to help keep me sane this summer. Or at least force me to get in shape.

There’s really only one other science class I can take, the others are all filled already or I don’t need it. But if I take a difference science course I can’t go on the family vacation, which I feel I need to do. I have to get out of here and go sit on a beach. I need a break. Finals are finished. I got an A on my Bio final and in that class. My chemistry teacher is driving me nuts and giving me nightmares by not posting any grades yet. She better post my final grade soon, I would like some decent sleep. I feel so beat up. I didn’t realize how stressed I was. I was so happy before. Now that classes are over and my summer looks crushed I feel like I did before I went back to school. Lame, tired, unmotivated, indecisive.

I guess I went on a date with a friend, I didn’t realize it was a date until he showed up with a Gerber daisy. Points for him for knowing my favorite flower. We went to a murder mystery dinner. It was fun and the food was good. There were four main actors and then some people got parts to play. I figured out the murder, but my need for everything to tie together; I put too much thought into it. So I made it more complicated and therefore didn’t really figure it out.

I felt bad because I kept my friend at arm distance. This might sound silly but I’ve definitely got a wall up around guys. I’m not even comfortable around them like I used to be. It’s like I can’t even flirt anymore. I wish I could just tear it down. I’m sick of feeling like this. I’m no attracted to guys, I have no interest, and if they are interested I am uncomfortable. What happened to me that I’m like this now. It’s pathetic. How am I supposed to find anyone like this. How do I get past this and trust again.

I know why I’m like this, why I don’t trust, why I keep everyone away. I wonder if they ever think of me. The men in my past. I wonder if the one who made me like this ever thinks of me. Ever regrets it. He still haunts my dreams. Frequently. How do I get it to stop? It’s tiring and saddens me. I stay awake sometimes imagining different times, what it was like, what would happen if/when we meet again. He takes up much to much of my time. But I can’t seem to banish him.

Sorry if this blog is mopey, it’s how I feel. Lonely, sad, and down. I did warn you with the title.

I need to figure out what I’m going to do with my summer. If it totally fails I think I’ll go on a cruise even though I don’t really have anyone to go with. I’ve never been on one. I was looking at one that goes to Belize or one along the Pacific Northwest. They’re not to expensive. Since I’m not going to the Bahamas anymore I actually have some money.

I got the new Mumford and Sons cd, I’ve been listening to it for days now. I also read ‘The Book Thief’. It’s about a girl in Germany during WWII. Learning to read, hiding a Jew, and other things. I just finished it today. Very sad ending, but I shouldn’t have been surprised. Sometimes I get so caught up in my books that I can’t help by cry or laugh or be concerned. I guess I like to hide there when I don’t know what to do with my own life. Is that cowardace? Am I wasting my life sleeping and reading and sleeping? I feel like I am. It makes me even sadder. I am lonely, but I don’t want to be around anyone. I’ll just disappoint them. I’m disappointing myself. I’m depressed. I realize this. I’m down and beaten and tired. Now I just need to stand back up and do something different. Because this isn’t working.

Not tonight though.

Maybe tomorrow.

Updates January 22, 2011

Random Good Things that made me Smile this week:

*while at a stop light the random guy in the car next to me smiled and waved

*at the store there was a small child in a full body bear suit, adorable

*my biology teacher shares my aversion to chemistry; she said “Chemistry is a Necessary Evil”. I think I will enjoy her class

*I got a free chipotle burrito

*Remembering inside jokes that make you laugh outloud, such as “My, what plentiful organs you have.”

*Friends, especially the ones you don’t see to often

*Really really good sushi

*Cucumber mojito

*Organization and staying on top of things. Woot!

* and finally, the cute baby monkey picture in my email. I love his color. It’s a golden lion tamarin. New baby at the zoo.

I started school and my new job. School, I am still excited about. I’m going to like my bio teacher a lot I think. She said she would help me with decisions on grad school/master’s programs and whatnot. I like the way she teaches, so does so for many different types of learners. So that’s cool.

Big surprise in my first chem lecture the other day. My ex from two years ago is in it. We haven’t talked in two years, and I was kind of worried, but you know what. I’m not going to worry. I would like someone I know in Chem so it will be a bit easier, but if he doesn’t want to be friends, that’s fine too. My chem teacher has an accent, but it’s not bad as long as I concentrate. The jury is still out on if she is a good teacher or not. She’s been teaching for awhile and definitely understands chem, but she’s not as approachable as my bio teacher. I’m trying to stay very organized so I can stay ahead of schedule or at least with it. I think that will help me a lot; reading chapters and labs beforehand and whatnot.

Started my job this week too. I like the store, it’s relaxing. The only thing I don’t like about the store is when I leave I have a headache from all the smells. All the people are really really nice. I feel I can make friends here. The only that that I really need to deal with is the commute, an hour both ways. Mostly because of traffic, but the weather is making it longer too. The gas and the time might be a deal breaker. We’ll see. Maybe it was just a bad week. I can’t believe how many accidents I’ve seen.

I tried some of the products at the store already. Yesterday I tried Kale Chips:

They are described as:

“The holy grail of snacking has arrived – something as healthy as a salad that tastes like a potato chip!

All Organic Ingredients: kale, sprouted sunflower seeds, sprouted sesame seeds, apple cider vinegar, sea salt.”

I was very intrigued, so I tried the sea salt one.

I’m going to give it a big thumbs down. I was not impressed. It is definitely different, but I’d rather eat chips. At least I tried it, now I know. I’m not living in suspense anymore. Thank goodness.

Another food I learned about is Chia Seeds. I actually like those a lot.

Chia Plant

You could the chia seeds to smoothies, mix it with salad dressings, add to puddings, applesauce, yogurt, soups, oatmeal, grits, peanut butter, scrambled eggs – just about anything. Or you can make a gel, I’m going to try this this week, so I’ll let you know. Look it up, chia seeds are super interesting.

Chia will absorb any liquid. You can add it in apple juice, orange juice, lemonade, and other liquids. In Mexico and Central America, they mix seeds in water and add lime or lemon juice and sugar to make a drink called “chia fresca”.

They were a major food source for the Aztecs. That alone is awesome.

While I was looking up plants and chia seeds I came across pet plants:

Created in Australia, these mini plants measure 1.5cm in width and 2.8cm in height. Housed in their own mini terrarium capsule, the plants grow until they fill the capsule and you can transplant them. These mini plants are an eco-friendly accessory for your cell phone, PDA or key ring.

Hehe, fun. Although I’d probably kill these too.

Well, enough procrastinating. On to studying!

I signed up for thing-a-day. Woot.

Community College August 20, 2010

I just applied to my Community College.

I did that instead of drawing, but I think that’s okay.

First step: TAKEN!

Summary of the Month – November 09 December 7, 2009

Summary

Days Total: 3o

Days I worked on Art: 7

Days I worked out: 6 – I joined a new gym and I’m actually going to the classes; Kickboxing, Step, Yoga, and Pilates. I really enjoy it and they definitely push me. I’m going to try and work out at least three times a week. Let’s do this!!!!

Things I accomplished/Things worth mentioning: The fact that I’m rocking it at the gym! I’m always sore, which is a good thing. I really feel like I’m learning how to work out right. I’ve also been having an absolutely fabulous time salsa dancing! I dance so much I come home with blisters on my feet…I’ve decided I’m one of the most asked girls; I’m either dancing, or I’ve turned someone down because I need a break. It’s a good feeling. I fixed up my ‘art’ area. I went to the Indianapolis museum of art. Very Cool! Rockette became apart of my life.  No, I have not adopted her, but I enjoy spending my lunches with her at work. She’s a nice break. She’s always up for a nap and can always make me smile. I have discovered make-up and I’m learning how to use it. It really does make a difference when I wear it. Idon’t wear it all the time, just when I really want that extra spark! Thanksgiving was an absolutely stress-free, wonderful day. Colette had her first piece of cheesecake. I went on a sketch crawl and met some artsy people. I also discovered a very cool gallery area and tea house. I went on a date, which was wonderful. We’ll see how that goes. We went wedding dress shopping and not only found Kt’s wedding dress, but our bridesmaid dresses as well. All very beautiful!

Things I would like to accomplish for next month: I still need a second job. I was going to get a part time job as an illustrater, but that didn’t pan out. Which makes me kind of sad, but also kind of relieved. I do not feel comfortable enough with my art to make people pay for it. Plan my trip to Japan. Keep up the workout schedule. Enjoy Christmas. Not complain so much – my mom just told me she thought I was unhappy and that I complain all the time. It really really really bothers me that this is how she thinks I am. I’m happy, but apparently I come off..sad and complaining. I really didn’t think I came off that way…I mean, I know I complain, but most of it’s jokingly and I’m allowed to complain sometimes!

Sorry, anyway, I expect this next month to be good! Hope yours is too!

Natural Talent June 16, 2009

This is a picture I took at…….at a museum in Europe. I’m trying to use only pictures I’ve taken for this blog (we’ll see how long that lasts) so that’s why I pulled this one out of the archives. I’m not sure why I took this picture, I guess I wonder what makes this painting art worthy of a popular museum.

So lately, life has been good. I still like work (yay). I saw my aunt, cousins, and baby cousin. John is moving up here soon and I am so excited! I had my birthday dinner at the Cheesecake Factory. My parents got me a laptop for my birthday and I love it. It’s an Acer Aspire One. Soooo tiny, but a good little computer. I’m really looking forward to my birthday this weekend, it promises to be very fun!

I went to my first ever life drawing class today. Of course I was late (work’s fault, really), but I really enjoyed it. It wasn’t awkward or anything like I was worried about. The instructor said I had ‘natural talent’ and couldn’t believe I’ve never taken a life drawing class before. That’s the best artist complimant I think I’ve received in a long time. I’ll probably put  up a sketch or two, but not now. Now I need to go to bed. Night!